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Military Funny Stuff


CONTROL TOWER CONVERSATIONS

 

 

Tower: “United 345, Cleared to land on runway 32.”

Pilot: “Tower, that’s runway 32 … right?

Tower: “United 345, no … it's the middle runway!”

 

Pilot: "Tower, Air Force 345, we're going to simulate a right engine out on this approach.”

Tower: “Roger Air Force 345, we’ll have a simulated crash truck standing by.”

 

Tower: “Cessna 150, report gear down, cleared to land.”

Pilot: “Roger tower, gear down and welded.”

 

"Air Force '45, it appears your engine has … oh, disregard … I see you've already ejected."

 

"Citation 123, if you quit calling me Center, I'll quit calling you twin Cessna."

 

"About five miles ahead, you've got traffic 12 o'clock, three miles." If you hear me, traffic no longer a factor."

 

"You're gonna have to key the mic. I can't see you when you nod your head."

 

"Put your compass on 'E' and get out of my airspace."

 

"Don't anybody maintain anything."

 

"Climb like your life depends on it … because it does."

 

The controller working a busy pattern told the Boeing 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty.

The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?"

Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"

 

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

 

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."

"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

 

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f***ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f***ing bored, not f***ing stupid!"

 

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this ... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

 

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

 

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

 

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked.”

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

 

Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"

 

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

 

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

 

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern ... we've already notified our caterers."

 

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough for another one."

 

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark … and I didn't land."

 

While taxing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"




AIRPLANE MAINTENANCE SOLUTIONS

 


Problem: "Smoke in cabin."

Solution: "Aircrew reminded fleet is no-smoking these days."

 

Problem: "Bad smell in cockpit."

Solution: "Advised crew to wash every day."

 

Problem: "Missile slow to leave rail."

Solution: "Use a real missile. Missile is a Cap9 (captive trainer)."

 

Problem: "IFF Knob binding, hard to turn."

Solution: "IFF 'push to turn' knob works correctly when pushed in to turn."

 

Problem: "Missile (AIM-9) won’t track on the ground."

Solution: "System fully operational, flight suit insert inop."

 

Problem: "Missile (AIM-9) tone very weak, almost inaudible."

Solution: "Turn up the volume."

 

Problem: "Rear cockpit HUD repeater unviewable, looked like squiggly porn."

Solution: "HBO ordered MICAP zero Balance."

 

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."

Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

 

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."

Solution: "Evidence removed."

 

Problem: "Target Radar hums."

Solution: "Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics."

 

Problem: "Number three engine missing."

Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

 

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."

Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

 

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."

Solution: "Live bugs on back-order."

 

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."

Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

 

Problem: "IFF (Identification Friend or Foe) inoperative."

Solution: "IFF always inoperative in OFF mode"

 

Problem: "Friction lock causes throttle levers to stick."

Solution: "Friction locks always stick. That's what they're there for."

 

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."

Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

 

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."

Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

 

Problem: "No. 2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."

Solution: "No. 2 Propeller seepage normal. No. 1, No. 3, and No. 4 propellers lack normal seepage."

 

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."

Solution: "IT DOES NOW."

 

Problem: "Roaches in galley."

Solution: "Fed and watered roaches"

 

Problem: "Laboratory mice loose in bag bin."

Solution: "No cat at this station."

 

Problem: "Aircraft handles FUNNY."

Solution: "Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious."

 

Problem: "UHF does not work in OFF mode."

Solution: "Found short between pilot’s headphones."

 

Problem: "Anti Collision Strobe Intermittently on."

Solution: "Removed and Replaced Side Stick Actuator."

 

Problem: "Sounds like little man is beating on the bottom of the floor with a hammer."

Solution: "Took hammer from man and made him promise not to do it again."

 

Problem: "Bugs smashed on canopy."

Solution: "Gave bugs coffee and told them to move along."

 

Problem: "Crew door hard to close." (on a KC-135).

Solution: "Green suit needs to up his Wheaties intake."

 

Problem: "No. 3 engine knocks at idle"

Solution: "No. 3 engine let in for a few beers"

 

Problem: "Funny smell in cockpit"

Solution: "Pilot told to change cologne"

 

Problem: "The T/C ball seemed stuck in the middle during my last turn."

Solution: "Congratulations! You've just made your first coordinated turn."

 

Problem: "Transponder inoperative."

Solution: "Transponder always inoperative in OFF mode."

 

Problem: “Suspected crack in windshield.”

Solution: “Suspect you're right.”

 

Problem: “Mouse in cockpit.”

Solution: “Cat installed.”




MILITARY HUMOR

 


On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference ...

If it is a commercial flight, it is 3 o’clock.

If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.

If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.

If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.

If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Friday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."

 

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. "Yours is."

 

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door.

Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, and then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

 

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "Sure, buddy."

Officer: "That's no way to address an officer!  Now let's try it again! Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "No, SIR!"

 

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?

A: He'll tell you.

 

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?

A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

 

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?

A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

  

An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

 

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave."

"Not me, Chief!" the seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"




MILITARY WISDOM

 


“If the enemy is in range, so are you." — Infantry Journal

 

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." — US Air Force Manual

 

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons." — General MacArthur

 

"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." — U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

 

"Tracers work both ways." — U.S. Army Ordnance Manual

 

"Five second fuses only last three seconds." — Infantry Journal

 

The three most useless things in aviation are: Fuel in the bowser; Runway behind you; and Air above you. — Basic Flight Training Manual

 

"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once." — Maritime Ops Manual

 

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." — Unknown Marine Recruit

 

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." — USAF Ammo Troop

 

"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." — Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)

 

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire." —Unknown Author

 

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter — and therefore, unsafe." — Fixed Wing Pilot

 

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash." — Multi-Engine Training Manual

 

"Without ammunition, the USAF is just an expensive flying club." — Unknown Author

 

"If you hear me yell; 'Eject, Eject, Eject!,' the last two will be echos. If you stop to ask 'Why?' you'll be talking to yourself, because you're the pilot." — Pre-flight Briefing from a F-104 Pilot

 

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies." — Sign over Control Tower Door

 

"Never trade luck for skill." — Author Unknown

 

"Airspeed, altitude, and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight." — Basic Flight Training Manual

 

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation — we have never left one up there!" — Unknown Author

 

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it." — Emergency Checklist

 

"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." — Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

 

"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." — Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ

 

"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to." — Sign over Carrier Group Operations Desk

 

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal." — Lead-in Fighter Training Manual

 

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives. The rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?" The pilot’s reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"




PILOT WORDS OF WISDOM

 

 

Flying is a hard way to earn an easy living.

 

Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the airplane, the pessimist, the parachute.

 

If helicopters are so safe, how come there are no vintage helicopter fly-ins?

 

Death is just nature's way of telling you to watch your airspeed.

 

Real planes use only a single stick to fly. This is why bulldozers and helicopters -- in that order -- need two.

 

Co-Pilot rules:

1) Don’t touch anything.

2) Shut Up.

 

There are only three things the co-pilot should ever say:

1. Nice landing, Sir.

2. I'll buy the first round.

3. I'll take the fat one.

 

As a pilot only two bad things can happen to you and one of them will.

1. One day you will walk out to the aircraft knowing that it is your last flight.

2. One day you will walk out to the aircraft not knowing that it is your last flight.

 

There are Rules and there are Laws. The Rules are made by men who think that they know better how to fly your airplane than you. Laws (of Physics) were ordained by nature. You can, and sometimes should, suspend the Rules but you can never suspend the Laws.

 

About Rules:

1. The rules are a good place to hide if you don't have a better idea and the talent to execute it.

2. If you deviate from a rule, it must be a flawless performance, (e.g., If you fly under a bridge, don't hit the bridge.)

 

The ideal pilot is the perfect blend of discipline and aggressiveness.

 

The medical profession is the natural enemy of the aviation profession.

 

Ever notice that the only experts who decree that the age of the pilot is over are people who have never flown anything? Also, in spite of the intensity of their feelings that the pilot's day is over, I know of no expert who has volunteered to be a passenger in a 

non-piloted aircraft.

 

Before each flight, make sure that your bladder is empty and your fuel tanks are full!

 

He who demands everything that his aircraft can give him is a pilot; he who demands one iota more is a fool.

 

There are certain aircraft sounds that can only be heard at night.

 

The aircraft limits are only there in case there is another flight by that particular aircraft. If subsequent flights do not appear likely, there are no limits.

 

Flying is a great way of life for men who want to feel like boys, but not for those who still are.

 

"If the Wright brothers were alive today, Wilbur would have to fire Orville to reduce costs." President, DELTA Airlines.

 

“If the airplane were to be invented today – they should shoot it down” – Warren Buffet

 

In the Alaska bush I'd rather have a two hour bladder and three hours of gas than vice versa.

 

It's not that all airplane pilots are good-looking. Just that good-looking people seem more capable of flying airplanes.

 

An old pilot is one who can remember when flying was dangerous and sex was safe.

 

Airlines have really changed, now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.

 

I've flown in both pilot seats, can someone tell me why the other one is always occupied by an idiot?

 

Son, you're going to have to make up your mind about growing up and becoming a pilot. You can't do both.

 

There are only two types of aircraft -- fighters and targets.

 

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline baggage.

 

You define a good flight by negatives: you didn't get hijacked, you didn't crash, you didn't throw up, you weren't late, you weren't nauseated by the food. So you're grateful.

 

They invented wheelbarrows to teach FAA inspectors to walk on their hind legs.

 

The FAA Motto: We're not happy till you're not happy.

 

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.




PILOT STUFF

 

 

Asking a pilot what he thinks about the FAA is like asking a tree what it thinks about dogs

An airline pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman

The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as a co-pilot is a co-pilot who once was a captain

Experience is gained through making mistakes. Mistakes are caused by lack of experience

Hand-flying an ILS in a gusty crosswind is easier than adjusting the shower controls in a layover hotel

A smooth touchdown in a simulator is as exciting as kissing your sister

Most airline crew food tastes like warmed-over chicken because that's what it is

Everything is accomplished through teamwork until something goes wrong … then one pilot gets all the blame

A good simulator check ride is like successful surgery on a dead body

Standard checklist practice requires pilots to read to each other procedures used every day ... and recite from memory those needed once every five years.

A crew scheduler has to be the kind of person who wakes his wife at midnight to carry out the garbage, then sends her back to let the cat in

An FAA investigation is conducted by non-flying experts who take six months to itemize the mistakes made by a crew that had six seconds to react to the emergency.

Unlike flight crew members, jet engines stop whining when the plane arrives at the gate

Whoever said that pilots are Gods was dyslexic

A good flight attendant says, "Good morning captain." A great flight attendant says, "It's morning, Captain."

Pigs don't become pilots when they drink.

A dispatcher's desk has never run out of fuel.




WHY I LIKE THE AIR FORCE

 

 

Now take the Army.

When the stuff hits the fan, the young Army private wakes up to the bellowing of his first sergeant. He grabs his BDUs out of his footlocker, dresses, run to the chow-hall for breakfast on the fly, then jumps in his tank. Pretty soon, the company commander, a captain, arrives, gives him a big salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, soldier!"

Now take the Navy.

When the stuff hits the fan, the Sailor is eating breakfast in the mess. He hustles the 20 feet to his battle station, stuffing extra pastries in his pocket as he goes. There he sits, in the middle of a big, steel target, with nowhere to run, when the captain comes on the MC and says, "Give 'em Hell, sailors! I salute you!"

Now take the Marines.

When the stuff hits the fan, the young Marine is kicked out of bed by his Gunny and puts on the muddy set of BDUs he was wearing on the field exercise he was part of three hours earlier. He gets no breakfast, but is told to feel free to chew on his boots. He runs out and forms up with his rifle. Pretty soon, his company commander, a captain comes out, gives the Marine a sharp salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, Marine!"

And then there's the Air Force.

When the stuff hits the fan, the airman receives a phone call at his off-base quarters. He gets up, showers, shaves, and puts on the fresh uniform he picked up from the BX cleaners the day before. He jumps in his car and cruises through the McDonald's drive-thru for an Egg McMuffin and Coca-Cola on his way into work. Once at work, he signs in on the duty roster, proceeds to his F-15, spends 30 minutes pre-flighting it, and signs off the forms. Pretty soon the pilot, a young captain, arrives, steps into the jet, and starts the engines. Our young airman stands at attention, gives the aviator a sharp salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, Captain!"


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Ontario, CA 91762-1106
Phone: 951.201.1128