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Military Funny Stuff

AIRPLANE MAINTENANCE SOLUTIONS

Problem: "Smoke in cabin."

Solution: "Aircrew reminded fleet is no-smoking these days."

Problem: "Bad smell in cockpit."

Solution: "Advised crew to wash every day."

Problem: "Missile slow to leave rail."

Solution: "Use a real missile. Missile is a Cap9 (captive trainer)."

Problem: "IFF Knob binding, hard to turn."

Solution: "IFF 'push to turn' knob works correctly when pushed in to turn."

Problem: "Missile (AIM-9) won’t track on the ground."

Solution: "System fully operational, flight suit insert inop."

Problem: "Missile (AIM-9) tone very weak, almost inaudible."

Solution: "Turn up the volume."

Problem: "Rear cockpit HUD repeater unviewable, looked like squiggly porn."

Solution: "HBO ordered MICAP zero Balance."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."

Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."

Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "Target Radar hums."

Solution: "Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."

Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."

Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."

Solution: "Live bugs on back-order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."

Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF (Identification Friend or Foe) inoperative."

Solution: "IFF always inoperative in OFF mode"

Problem: "Friction lock causes throttle levers to stick."

Solution: "Friction locks always stick. That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."

Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."

Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem: "No. 2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."

Solution: "No. 2 Propeller seepage normal. No. 1, No. 3, and No. 4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."

Solution: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Roaches in galley."

Solution: "Fed and watered roaches"

Problem: "Laboratory mice loose in bag bin."

Solution: "No cat at this station."

Problem: "Aircraft handles FUNNY."

Solution: "Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious."

Problem: "UHF does not work in OFF mode."

Solution: "Found short between pilot’s headphones."

Problem: "Anti Collision Strobe Intermittently on."

Solution: "Removed and Replaced Side Stick Actuator."

Problem: "Sounds like little man is beating on the bottom of the floor with a hammer."

Solution: "Took hammer from man and made him promise not to do it again."

Problem: "Bugs smashed on canopy."

Solution: "Gave bugs coffee and told them to move along."

Problem: "Crew door hard to close." (on a KC-135).

Solution: "Green suit needs to up his Wheaties intake."

Problem: "No. 3 engine knocks at idle"

Solution: "No. 3 engine let in for a few beers"

Problem: "Funny smell in cockpit"

Solution: "Pilot told to change cologne"

Problem: "The T/C ball seemed stuck in the middle during my last turn."

Solution: "Congratulations! You've just made your first coordinated turn."

Problem: "Transponder inoperative."

Solution: "Transponder always inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: “Suspected crack in windshield.”

Solution: “Suspect you're right.”

Problem: “Mouse in cockpit.”

Solution: “Cat installed.”

MILITARY HUMOR

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference ...

If it is a commercial flight, it is 3 o’clock.

If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.

If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.

If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.

If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Friday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. "Yours is."

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door.

Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, and then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "Sure, buddy."

Officer: "That's no way to address an officer!  Now let's try it again! Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "No, SIR!"

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?

A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?

A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?

A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave."

"Not me, Chief!" the seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

MILITARY WISDOM

“If the enemy is in range, so are you." — Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." — US Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons." — General MacArthur

"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." — U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways." — U.S. Army Ordnance Manual

"Five second fuses only last three seconds." — Infantry Journal

The three most useless things in aviation are: Fuel in the bowser; Runway behind you; and Air above you. — Basic Flight Training Manual

"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once." — Maritime Ops Manual

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." — Unknown Marine Recruit

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." — USAF Ammo Troop

"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." — Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire." —Unknown Author

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter — and therefore, unsafe." — Fixed Wing Pilot

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash." — Multi-Engine Training Manual

"Without ammunition, the USAF is just an expensive flying club." — Unknown Author

"If you hear me yell; 'Eject, Eject, Eject!,' the last two will be echos. If you stop to ask 'Why?' you'll be talking to yourself, because you're the pilot." — Pre-flight Briefing from a F-104 Pilot

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies." — Sign over Control Tower Door

"Never trade luck for skill." — Author Unknown

"Airspeed, altitude, and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight." — Basic Flight Training Manual

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation — we have never left one up there!" — Unknown Author

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it." — Emergency Checklist

"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." — Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." — Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ

"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to." — Sign over Carrier Group Operations Desk

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal." — Lead-in Fighter Training Manual

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives. The rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?" The pilot’s reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"

PILOT WORDS OF WISDOM

Flying is a hard way to earn an easy living.

Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the airplane, the pessimist, the parachute.

If helicopters are so safe, how come there are no vintage helicopter fly-ins?

Death is just nature's way of telling you to watch your airspeed.

Real planes use only a single stick to fly. This is why bulldozers and helicopters -- in that order -- need two.

Co-Pilot rules:

1) Don’t touch anything.

2) Shut Up.

There are only three things the co-pilot should ever say:

1. Nice landing, Sir.

2. I'll buy the first round.

3. I'll take the fat one.

As a pilot only two bad things can happen to you and one of them will.

1. One day you will walk out to the aircraft knowing that it is your last flight.

2. One day you will walk out to the aircraft not knowing that it is your last flight.

There are Rules and there are Laws. The Rules are made by men who think that they know better how to fly your airplane than you. Laws (of Physics) were ordained by nature. You can, and sometimes should, suspend the Rules but you can never suspend the Laws.

About Rules:

1. The rules are a good place to hide if you don't have a better idea and the talent to execute it.

2. If you deviate from a rule, it must be a flawless performance, (e.g., If you fly under a bridge, don't hit the bridge.)

The ideal pilot is the perfect blend of discipline and aggressiveness.

The medical profession is the natural enemy of the aviation profession.

Ever notice that the only experts who decree that the age of the pilot is over are people who have never flown anything? Also, in spite of the intensity of their feelings that the pilot's day is over, I know of no expert who has volunteered to be a passenger in a 

non-piloted aircraft.

Before each flight, make sure that your bladder is empty and your fuel tanks are full!

He who demands everything that his aircraft can give him is a pilot; he who demands one iota more is a fool.

There are certain aircraft sounds that can only be heard at night.

The aircraft limits are only there in case there is another flight by that particular aircraft. If subsequent flights do not appear likely, there are no limits.

Flying is a great way of life for men who want to feel like boys, but not for those who still are.

"If the Wright brothers were alive today, Wilbur would have to fire Orville to reduce costs." President, DELTA Airlines.

“If the airplane were to be invented today – they should shoot it down” – Warren Buffet

In the Alaska bush I'd rather have a two hour bladder and three hours of gas than vice versa.

It's not that all airplane pilots are good-looking. Just that good-looking people seem more capable of flying airplanes.

An old pilot is one who can remember when flying was dangerous and sex was safe.

Airlines have really changed, now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.

I've flown in both pilot seats, can someone tell me why the other one is always occupied by an idiot?

Son, you're going to have to make up your mind about growing up and becoming a pilot. You can't do both.

There are only two types of aircraft -- fighters and targets.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline baggage.

You define a good flight by negatives: you didn't get hijacked, you didn't crash, you didn't throw up, you weren't late, you weren't nauseated by the food. So you're grateful.

They invented wheelbarrows to teach FAA inspectors to walk on their hind legs.

The FAA Motto: We're not happy till you're not happy.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

PILOT STUFF

Asking a pilot what he thinks about the FAA is like asking a tree what it thinks about dogs

An airline pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman

The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as a co-pilot is a co-pilot who once was a captain

Experience is gained through making mistakes. Mistakes are caused by lack of experience

Hand-flying an ILS in a gusty crosswind is easier than adjusting the shower controls in a layover hotel

A smooth touchdown in a simulator is as exciting as kissing your sister

Most airline crew food tastes like warmed-over chicken because that's what it is

Everything is accomplished through teamwork until something goes wrong … then one pilot gets all the blame

A good simulator check ride is like successful surgery on a dead body

Standard checklist practice requires pilots to read to each other procedures used every day ... and recite from memory those needed once every five years.

A crew scheduler has to be the kind of person who wakes his wife at midnight to carry out the garbage, then sends her back to let the cat in

An FAA investigation is conducted by non-flying experts who take six months to itemize the mistakes made by a crew that had six seconds to react to the emergency.

Unlike flight crew members, jet engines stop whining when the plane arrives at the gate

Whoever said that pilots are Gods was dyslexic

A good flight attendant says, "Good morning captain." A great flight attendant says, "It's morning, Captain."

Pigs don't become pilots when they drink.

A dispatcher's desk has never run out of fuel.

WHY I LIKE THE AIR FORCE

Now take the Army.

When the stuff hits the fan, the young Army private wakes up to the bellowing of his first sergeant. He grabs his BDUs out of his footlocker, dresses, run to the chow-hall for breakfast on the fly, then jumps in his tank. Pretty soon, the company commander, a captain, arrives, gives him a big salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, soldier!"

Now take the Navy.

When the stuff hits the fan, the Sailor is eating breakfast in the mess. He hustles the 20 feet to his battle station, stuffing extra pastries in his pocket as he goes. There he sits, in the middle of a big, steel target, with nowhere to run, when the captain comes on the MC and says, "Give 'em Hell, sailors! I salute you!"

Now take the Marines.

When the stuff hits the fan, the young Marine is kicked out of bed by his Gunny and puts on the muddy set of BDUs he was wearing on the field exercise he was part of three hours earlier. He gets no breakfast, but is told to feel free to chew on his boots. He runs out and forms up with his rifle. Pretty soon, his company commander, a captain comes out, gives the Marine a sharp salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, Marine!"

And then there's the Air Force.

When the stuff hits the fan, the airman receives a phone call at his off-base quarters. He gets up, showers, shaves, and puts on the fresh uniform he picked up from the BX cleaners the day before. He jumps in his car and cruises through the McDonald's drive-thru for an Egg McMuffin and Coca-Cola on his way into work. Once at work, he signs in on the duty roster, proceeds to his F-15, spends 30 minutes pre-flighting it, and signs off the forms. Pretty soon the pilot, a young captain, arrives, steps into the jet, and starts the engines. Our young airman stands at attention, gives the aviator a sharp salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, Captain!"